How Long?

So how long do your mourn your one true love? Is it a year, two years, an eternity?

Tomorrow my wonderful husband will be dead 9 years. That is a long time to mourn. I get mad at myself for missing him so much. I figured okay 1, 2, maybe even 3 years this day would be hard but who thought it would still hurt so much 9 years later.

True, I don't pine for him daily. I do think of him almost daily. Happy thoughts of our times together. Even an occassional thought of not so happy times together. I do talk to him almost every day. But I don't think I'm hanging on to him in an unhealthy manner.

We had almost 25 wonderful years together. Like any couple we had our good times and our bad times. I have to admit that the good times definitely out numbered the bad. Patrick was a very loving and giving man. He loved his family more than life itself. There was nothing he wouldn't do for any of us. He left behind a legacy of love that we will all cherish.

Don't get me wrong he had his faults. He was human and he was a man. Needless to say there were days I could have throttled him. But in the end we had a wonderful friendship. We loved to talk and laugh. I remember those talks that would start after the kids went to bed and lasted until the wee hours of the morning. I remember having a bad dream and having him there to hold me when I reached out to him.

Maybe it's seeing his grandchild growing into such a little person and seeing bits of him in her. Maybe it's knowing how much he looked forward to being a grandfather and the fact that he is missing this beautiful child. Maybe it's remembering all the plans and hopes and dreams that we had for our golden years that will never be.

Tomorrow I will spend time with our children and grandchild. They are a piece of him and our love that will live on. Yes he is gone physically but he is so in my heart that he is never far from me.

On this the anniversary of his death, I will remember his wonderful smile, his gentle caress, his wonderful kiss and gives thanks for the years we had and try not to think of the years we aren't going to have.